Letter to Infants: Pacifier

Levi Daniel Westerholm
or
Infant at this address:

Greetings. We at the National Infant Information League would like to pass on to you the following strategy gathered from recent study of parents.

The Pacifier (or "binky", or "soother," or "dummy" in Britain) is a old ploy that many parents have used over the years to calm infants down. As you are new to our world, we pass this gathered intelligence on to you.

Often when you are hungry, you will cry for food. However, instead of food, your caretakers may put a rubber or plastic apparatus in your mouth. Naturally, you begin to draw into the mouth (or "suck"). You may feel you are receiving food.

This is not true.

Whenever something is placed in your mouth, study it carefully. Remember the acronym T.A.B. (Taste, Acquisition, and Bite).

TASTE: Does it taste right? Really?

ACQUISITION: what are you getting from this? Is it milk, or are you swallowing your own saliva?

BITE: what happens when you chomp? The real thing will emit a shrill sound. A solid chomp of the apparatus will result in . . . well . . . a bit apparatus and nothing else.

This level of discernment will serve you well as you grow. The world will often try to trick you into thinking you are receiving nourishment when, in fact, you are not.

You might be given flattery instead of support; appeasement instead of help; amusement instead of amazement. You might be given lust instead of love; movie instead story; nostalgia instead of exhortation. You might be given hype instead of hope; anthem instead of worship; accomplices instead of friends.

Be careful. Do not be fooled. The "real thing" is very important and worth getting.

Sincerely,

National Infant Information League